Kill Me Now, Please!
by Ellex
Summary: Crack-fic for the "Not Dead Yet" challenge on sga flashfic. Set between season 4 eps "Midway" and "The Kindred, part 1": "You are not allowed to show Ronon any more musical movies," Rodney shouted in John's ear.


**Author's Note:** I admit to no responsibility for the crazy, crazy stuff I dream sometimes. I won't even admit to responsibility for actually writing it down, either. In fact, it's all Monty Python's fault. Yeah, that's it: blame him. Them. Whatever.

"You are not allowed to show Ronon any more musical movies," Rodney shouted in John's ear.

John winced away. "Jeez, Rodney, okay! I promise, no more musicals." Despite the amount of noise in the quarantine room, Rodney's voice was naturally penetrating enough that he really didn't need to yell when he was sitting right beside John.

He had to admit – if only to himself – that Rodney had a point. Introducing Ronon to musicals clearly came under the heading of "Very Bad Ideas". In his defense, there had been no way of knowing that Ronon would take to the idea of people bursting into song for no readily apparent reason like a shark to fresh meat. John hadn't even been the one to pick _Enchanted_ for movie night.

Then Ronon showed up the next day in John's office, insisting that they have another team movie night right away. He had an armful of DVD's: _The Sound of Music_, three different Disney animated films, _Grease_, and _A Chorus Line_. When the rest of the team protested, they were subjected to a lengthy lecture – almost as long-winded as one of Rodney's rants – about the thriving theater culture of Sateda before the Wraith had devastated the planet. He didn't think he'd ever heard so many words come out of Ronon's mouth at one time before.

It was even worse when Ronon found out musicals were actually meant to be performed live. After Ronon's successful interview with the IOA, he'd stayed on Earth for a couple of weeks, ostensibly to "visit" with Teal'c. After he came back to Atlantis, John received multiple e-mails from SG-1's Cameron Mitchell complaining that Ronon had insisted on going to New York to see every musical currently playing on Broadway, and that Mitchell and Teal'c had been assigned to accompany him.

Really, John had mused at the time, you'd think taking an alien warrior from another galaxy to see a few stage shows was worse than fighting Replicators.

Now, however, he thought he had an idea of why Mitchell had described it as "pure torture; I'd rather be Teal'c's latest basketball."

But really, the occasional sight and sound of Ronon stalking down the Atlantis hallways quietly rumbling, "One…singular sensation, every little step she takes," or humming "Under the Sea" was extremely disturbing. But since the man's desires had, up until now, been simple and easy to fulfill…well, how could John object to a hobby that clearly delighted the big guy?

Yeah...until now. And John's current situation, stuck in the observation room with Rodney, Ronon, and half a dozen Marines, would be far more bearable if Ronon didn't know all the lyrics to _Monty Python's Spamalot_.

What was worse was that apparently most of the Marines knew them now, too.

It was just too bad that Teyla's pregnancy had kept her off their last mission, because at least Teyla could carry a tune. But their erstwhile team member was watching them from behind the glass on the balcony above, smiling down at them. Colonel Carter, standing beside her, looked like someone had just told her that her puppy had grown tentacles and was trying to take over the world. John felt a bit sulky. He didn't _ask_ for his damned ATA gene to activate long abandoned Ancient artifacts, it just happened sometimes. And he was pretty sure the effects were wearing off, because he felt almost no urge to get up and sing "I Walk the Line" at Rodney. Again.

Rodney had managed not to sing at all, although only through the stopgap of keeping his mouth stuffed with one Powerbar after another. He was looking a little white around the mouth at the moment. It was probably that last one he'd eaten. Nobody liked the banana flavor.

The chorus line of Marines, led by Ronon – and he was an even harder taskmaster at this than he was at hand-to-hand combat – danced by again. At least this time, John could just about make out the tune.

"I don't think I can take much more of this," Rodney shouted over the singing.

"Look on the bright side, Rodney," John yelled back. "Nobody's died yet."

"If you start singing 'Always Look on the Bright Side of Life', I won't be held responsible for my actions," Rodney told him.

Ronon came to the end of the song, doing "jazz hands" on the last long note, and the Marines posed around him like a bevy of especially ugly Ziegfeld Follies girls.

In the sudden silence, they could hear Carter and Teyla giggling over the intercom.

"So we're not dead yet, we just wish we'd died," Rodney said. And John had to agree.

fin

_If you were wondering what song Ronon and the Marines were singing, it was, of course, "He Is Not Dead Yet" from_ **Monty Python's Spamalot. **


End file.
